It was my deep honor to be invited to speak at our daughter and son-in-law’s wedding. This is what I said to them, shared with permission from the couple. (As you read, keep in mind that this is a spoken piece, so please forgive the free-form grammar.) Like most advice, it is as much a reminder to myself as it is a gift to them. May they share a long, prosperous, joyful life together.

We’ve waited a long time for this. What a joy to be here today for this first next step. 

Sarah and Harrison, it has been a privilege to watch your relationship grow over the last six years. You’ve experienced a lot together. Lots of little things, and big things, too, not all of which have been easy or fun: a global pandemic, for example. Online dating. Budgeting. Loss and grief. You have definitely passed through the novice phases of Adult Relationshipping.

Today you are leveling up. Or over. But it’s a new level for sure, because no matter how long you’ve been together, marriage is . . . different. Better. Trickier.

In marriage there are times that are beyond glorious. Triumphant. Joyously overwhelming (like when you buy a house, get a dog, or when your child marries their best possible partner). These times are awesome! But there are times that are grim. Some times just suck.

I think you both know this. Over time, you will know this. So know this: it’s normal. Everyone has rough patches; even the strongest, healthiest relationship isn’t always flowers and shoes and shiny things. I know it’s hard to imagine, here on this extraordinary day, but those rough patches do come, usually uninvited, and they tend to overstay their welcome.

How do you survive—and thrive—through those times? Those chunks that threaten to unravel you?

Oh, I have no doubt you can, and that you will. But since it is typical of mothers to offer unsolicited advice, I would like to throw out a few suggestions.

First, lean on your people. (They’re right here). Look: gathered from all across the country, and from across an ocean. You know, your wedding party alone comes from 9 states. Nine! I mean, I know there’s a lot of them, but—wow. Why do you think all these people worked so hard to get here? The outfits?

No, we are here because you are precious to us. We are here because we want to celebrate you and to cheer for you, and also to bolster and support you today and every day. We are your community—and are your second-greatest resource. When you are soaring through life and want to whoop it up, we are here. When you’re down, when you need help, we are here. Remember that. Lean on us.

Second, look to each other. This is the most important person in your life, your first-greatest resource. This is your go-to; your ally and most prized asset. So take care of them. Love them, yes–but don’t just feel love, DO love. Hold and protect them. Guard their sore spots, celebrate their genius. When they are speaking, listen to what’s being said, and also to what’s being felt. Check in: ”How are you doing? How are WE doing?” 

Autopilot is easy; it can also be dangerous. You are not “done” today. Like a plant, your relationship is a living, breathing entity. It needs tending: feed it; give it air; bring it light. Reposition it from time to time. Be courageous enough to renegotiate your contract. “Hey, you know that thing we decided a while ago? Yeah, that’s not working for me anymore. Can we change that up?” 

I also encourage you to lean on your marriage vows: more than goals and promises, your vows are your bedrock; there are times when those vows are what keep you in the game. I want every day for you to be effortless and easy, so please know that I am not cursing you when I suggest that there might be a time when marriage feels like a thousand pound anvil on your chest and you can’t breathe and you wanna push the other one out the attic window. It’s tempting to throw your hands up and walk away. Don’t. Just pause, take a step back, and focus on what brought you here today. Your goals and promises, today. Let your bond–the one you are sealing right now–take some of that weight. You’ll find it easier to breathe. 

Last, honor yourself, for you are your own most precious resource. Extend to yourself the same tenderness, generosity, patience, grace, forgiveness, and acceptance that you so easily give to your favorite people. Be kind: speak to the face in the mirror like you’re speaking to someone you love.

Advocate for yourself. You both have wants, and you have needs. When you’re not getting what you need, speak up; trust that your partner will hear you—what is being said, and what is being felt. And for the love of Mike, take care of your body and soul. See the doctor occasionally; talk to a therapist. Exercise. You’re worth the investment, and you owe it to your partner to stay as healthy as you can for as long as you can, inside and out. 

This isn’t selfish—it’s essential. As we are often reminded by the great queen of queens, herself, RuPaul, “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?” (Can I get an “amen” up in here?)

So, to sum up: Love yourself. Love each other. And remember that you are loved and held by every person here. Sarah and Harrison, savor your time together. Live it boldly, secure in knowing that no matter what comes at you, you have everything you need to survive and thrive right here in this magnificent garden.

You got this. And we got you. 

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Photo by Kniley Photography